Too often and too cliche-like I know, but I have often submerse myself to the beck and call of certain members of the opposite gender. In a rather innocent sense, I have always taken it upon me to be a fusion between a nurturing mother, best friend, and Snow White rolled up in one for these selected males. A friend however, preferred to simply call me a fairy tale princess due to the exuberance of joy in my voice and demeanor. It was obviously quite a contrast between my normal monotone and lack than zealous mannerisms to the overly heighten current state. I chose to take on this difficult task of portraying these three roles due to my own weakness, my heart. As I have stated multiple times, my heart has always been my biggest strength as well weakness. When I care deeply, I act as if it will be eternal and it is my life goal to make everything in the subject/s of my choosing to be the very best ever. If it is anything less than the best, it is not good enough for them, everything is over, and I am to blame. OR so I act as such. In reality, it is rarely over and I am hardly ever to blame. I just take on to the position so easily. I do sincerely want everything to be perfect, but the expense of that cost is anything short of cheap or exhausting. I have lost myself multiples in spells of doing it. It has went as me saying being verbally abused on the daily was not only okay but I deserved that treatment too. I felt like anytime I would "mess up", I needed to be yelled at for discipline or even just criticized to declare my wrongs. This game went too far like most games do often. I not only started to welcome the abuse, but if I did not receive it, I would lecture myself instead. I felt utterly powerless and weak. It was a painful, recurring pattern that I felt trapped in eternally. At the times, I could have left so easily but with my narrow vision, I saw no exit. I just saw entrapment day after day. Fortunately, this summer I spent a lot of time with only myself. I started to spend time thinking and truly thinking about the whole ordeals of these "trapping" situations. I realized the truths. 1) It was really hardly my fault when something flops 2)It is not even my responsibility to take care of anyone that extremely 3)Things sometimes just do not work out well and I have to be okay with it. 4)I'm a person, too. I worked on this new mindset all summer long. I am finally at peace at finding balance with caring for myself and others. I can care for all just not them more than myself. It is not healthy or even practical.
"2) Values-guided, not dogma-given"
I think the message of this one quality in particular has left the most severe effect for me and this colloquium. I have always the humanitarian bug in me, but this quality just intensified it more. Lappe states Americans feel reluctant to help one another because they see one another as more divided than together. If only, they could see the "deeply shared values." I believe that is quite similar to our beginning days of this colloquium. Many of us felt like we did not have much in common with our peers other than taking this class or perhaps, our major. Now with almost just a month left of this colloquium, we could see this not the case anymore. We may not be identical with one another which is only understandable, but we can see a lot more similarity than thought previously. At the start of this term, I thought gleaning had commendable meaning behind but the process of gathering the products was rather tedious to be frank. Also I thought a good share of my peers might ignore my first statement but would agree with the latter. I was thankfully surprised to learn I was mistaken. A good share of my peers enjoyed the gleaning process tremendously and are a good majority of the activism breed as well. As much as gleaning may not be my ideal cup of tea, it has however, made an impact on how I treat my activist side. I used to think my opinions would not change anyone or even broaden someone's horizons. Since this past Thursday when we as a group sold our gleaning items as well informing the DU campus about gleaning, it altered my perspective. I realized I do have a voice that change someone's mindset or at the very least, add more to their current thoughts. As I stated earlier, I have/had a tendency to make my own thoughts and opinions low key to others. Well, not anymore. I mean I still refuse to suffocate anyone with my opinions. I however though, will not be as timid or reserved with stating my thoughts and ideas. I will speak my mind more. Who knows? Maybe I won't change the world by myself, but who says one voice cannot help to bring the other voices together? I won't take it lying down not anymore.
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